So I just choked myself kinda badly and I wanted to say something about it but there isn’t exactly anyone that I can trust talking to so I guess I will just write here. I started back with the choking myself a couple days ago. I had done it for a while but then stopped because I came really close to killing myself. I didn’t stop because I was afraid of killing myself, I stopped because I knew the limit. The purpose of it was always to push the limit. I was being self destructive yet at the same time putting my life in jeopardy. They weren’t exactly a suicide attempt, but a way to cause myself pain. I tried doing it several times after I almost killed myself but it didn’t seem to really help because I had knew the limit so I wouldn’t push myself that far unless I truly intended to kill myself. Anyways, recently I was thinking about it and I wondered if I had really gotten all that close to killing myself. I always seem to dissociate when I am doing it and so I wasn’t quite sure. The reason I thought I was close was because I was choking myself and I fell forward and my head hit the floor. Basically the idea of choking myself is that if I happen to pass out I would never wake up. It is like dying accidentally on purpose. Well, since I recently wasn’t sure if I had really made it that close I have started experimenting again. My life is going kinda badly at the moment and I am back to not seeing the point of being alive so that kinda goes along with it. Well, I pretty much always feel that way, but I try to keep it out of my conscious thoughts. Anyways, so today was a really crappy day. I got up this morning and I was exhausted cuz I didn’t sleep well. I kept waking up during the night really disoriented and not knowing where I was. When we were getting ready I was freezing so I decided to turn on the heat in our apartment. Apparently the furnace was blowing out gas. It quickly began to smell really badly and when we figured out what it was we turned it off, but the house already smelled pretty badly. On the car ride too school there was a lot of tension. Ak has been stressed because she doesn’t have a job and her bf doesn’t have a job so she has been paying everything for both of them. Basically she was getting frustrated with everything and that kinda included us because she is presently the only one with a car since Ally got into an accident. When I got to school I was kinda starting to feel nauseous but it wasn’t that bad. I had a doctor appointment this morning for my shoulder and they basically told me to take a lot of ibuprofen and come back in a week. I guess that is a good thing because I can’t really afford to go to a specialist and that is what they would do if it doesn’t get better. After that I went and hung out in the engineering lounge. I started feeling really sick at this point. I saw this girl that was my friend last year and then there was a huge mess with apartments and we ended up living in different places and she basically hated me. I was trying to be nice and she was being friendly and so I sat with her on a couch cuz there was no where else to sit. She then proceeded to brag for the next hour about how amazing her life is, and how amazing it is to live in her house and basically just trying to make me feel bad the entire time. I got to find out at the end of the day today that she really still hates me and is only being nice to be manipulative. That definitely didn’t help with my bad mood. So after she left I still had an hour left til class so I was just sitting around. I kinda wanted to sleep but a bunch of my friends were there so I talked to them instead. By class I had a really bad headache and stomach ache and I felt like I was going to pass out. Oh, and I forgot my classes today with the gas leak and Ally losing her thumb drive so I couldn’t really see anything. It was incredibly difficult to get anything from that class because I felt so sick and I could barely see anything. After that I decided to see if I could miss any of my classes this afternoon because I had a six hour block and I felt horrible. My calc professor wasn’t in his office but my physics professor was online so I talked to him and he said it was ok if I missed class. So I laid down for like 40 minutes but didn’t sleep. It was nice to just lie down though. After that I went to lunch with some of my friends because I was hungry and had already coordinated lunch. Lunch wasn’t too bad but I was still feeling horrible. I hung out for a while and then ended up staying there longer cuz Maria was having a really hard time dealing with everything so I was trying to help her. After that I attempted to go to the library to study for calc because I was skipping physics. I was really stressed about skipping because I am terrified of falling behind in physics because this is already my second time taking the class. Since my first professor basically said on a regular basis that if I didn’t know what I was doing I should switch my major, everytime I don’t know what to do I get really stressed out. Basically it makes me feel even more like a failure than I normally would. I didn’t really manage to study much because I was so stressed and sick and couldn’t focus. The calc test ended up not being too hard but I forgot things. I forgot Newton’s law of cooling which was stupid and so I didn’t know how to do the entire first problem. Then the test was way too long and he didn’t update us on time so when he announced 3 minutes left I still had 2 problems that I hadn’t worked on and there were only 6 major problems in the test. I was working on a graph for one of the problems and I kinda got lost working on it and lost focus that it was a test so I didn’t get done. That made me really frustrated because I could have gotten the other ones if I would have had the time to do them. In workshop I tried to help but I still couldn’t focus very well and kept making really stupid mistakes. The problem wasn’t all that hard in terms of level of calculus but there was a lot of complex algebra and I wasn’t feeling good so I kept messing up and wasn’t much help. After that I had to go to comp sci. That wasn’t too bad except the class was incredibly boring and I was very exhausted and stressed out. She went over examples of recursion which took like a half hour each and were extremely repetitive. After class we went to the car, picked up Ally and Mary and started going home. In the car Mary was really picking on me a lot. It is something we just do on a regular basis but I was in a really bad mood so it felt like everyone was ganging up against me. Normally it doesn’t matter because we do it all the time but I just wasn’t in the mood. Then when we got home we were making dinner and Mary started making a really big deal about me being a vegetarian. Like I have known her for a year and she has known I am a vegetarian and has never said anything about it. She just kept going on and on about how I am killing plants and it is stupid to not eat meat because I am killing animals and that it is a really dumb reason etc. I didn’t really feel like arguing and I really didn’t have a whole lot to say to defend my choices. Most people just accept that it is my decision and respect that. Ally was trying to stay neutral by saying that she could see it both ways but that didn’t exactly help. Anyways, I ended up finishing making my dinner and then going to my room. I didn’t eat much of any of it because I was too stressed. When I got to my room I realized my phone had turned off and when I turned it on and had several messages from Maria saying that she was freaking out. I told her to get online so we could talk faster and she did but she didn’t respond much. She was definitely having a panic attack and I have had them before but I didn’t know what to do to help her. I desperately wanted to be there and comfort her and help her but there was nothing I could really do except try to talk to her. Then she would stop responding for periods of time and I would get really worried that something bad happened. Finally she did get someone to be with her because I told her she shouldn’t be alone and she if presently out on a walk with one of her friends. So, basically that is all the stuff today that lead up to me choking myself. I guess there really isn’t much more to it than that. I can do it far easier now because I want to experiment and so when I am really stressed instead of trying to just deal with it like I usually do I just choked myself. It is partially being extremely stressed, feeling crappy, frustration at people, not seeing a point in life, and wanting to see how far I can go. So basically doing it wasn’t much. I have kinda a different methodology now. Before I would tighten it quickly then sit until I didn’t feel like doing it anymore, or the physical sensation became uncomfortable and I wanted to stop. Now I am keeping it on longer but making it more progressive. I am really good at having a really high pain tolerance so I can handle a lot more than most ppl, but I can also make it higher but increasing the level of pain. All physical feelings are neurological so its basically mind over matter. Now I tighten it to like a starting point which is basically as tight as it will go without actually twisting the skin on my neck. Basically this cuts off part of the blood returning from my head and so it becomes progressively more painful the longer I keep it on because the pressure builds. As of like yesterday I decided to do that and then progressively try to make it tighter. Basically I would sit until I could force myself to be fine with the currently level of pain and then make it tighter. At a certain point it begins to constrict my air way. The natural response to that is of course choking. I was sitting there and kept trying to tighten it more but I would start choking and my apartment mates are home so I couldn’t risk them hearing me. I locked the door to my room, but if someone freaks out they would try to get in and if someone figured out what I was doing then they would probably put me in a hospital which is the last thing I want. Plus, if I do happen to kill myself I don’t want someone to find me before I am completely dead and try to revive me and then live as some vegetable. So anyways, I was sitting there and kept choking so I decided to put something in my mouth. There was a fleece blanket sitting on the shelf next to me so took and unrolled it partially and stuck it in my mouth. This muffled any coughing and also forced me to breathe through my nose decreasing the amount of choking noises. I pretty managed to tighten it one more revolution with that. After that I just sat there for a minute and then decided to take it off. I made a mark on my neck because I tightened it more than I usually do so I am hoping that will go away. It looked really bad right afterwards but generally it goes away by morning. I feel like my neck is bruised but I can cover that up if I need to. I guess that is about it. Right now I am kinda just hanging out in my room. I don’t have any emotional connection at all to what I did, but I am less stressed now. It basically completely takes all of the stuff off my mind. Like I know it is all still there but I am detached from it enough at the moment to manage it. I know it will probably all be back tomorrow but I will deal with it then. The weird part is everytime I choke myself I don’t really feel bad and don’t really mind the pain. Like if there are any residual effects from the pressure in my head I simply find them interesting and that is about it. It makes me want to do it again and see how far I can push it the next time. I won’t do it twice in one night because there generally isn’t a need to. Right now I am simply sitting here, kinda empty as far as emotions but at least it is ok.